My Lionheart...

It’s interesting that people have never asked me why I have such an affinity for everything English. The reason I take it as a good sign is because they can see it’s the real me coming through, and that I’m not doing it because I just want to be different. If I were to hazard a guess, I’d say it’s just a past life coming through. I feel such a strong tie to England that I know it’s not just coming from a wonderful fantasy, and that there are some things which can’t be explained, but they are, nonetheless, true.

I’m not sure where to begin. I don’t believe in the common definition of reincarnation, but I do believe the singularity of the soul progresses through a series of physical lives, each resulting in experiences for that entity. I’ve never believed death is the end. If Love never dies, neither can the soul, because the soul comes directly from Him. Each soul has a mission on this earth, and is in expression a manifestation of the existence of God, of the “First Cause.” Thus, we all stand on an equal basis before Him. I’m not going to pretend I know all the answers, but I’m always going to try to do what’s right.

From this basis of thought, we all seek a place where we belong in this life. In all my time here, I’ve felt increasingly alienated and have spent much of my time looking for people of “my own kind.” I’m not saying ‘better’ – I’d never say that, but I want to have something in common with the people in my life. At this point, there are only one or two people here with which I feel any sense kindredness. I only see them occasionally, which is a shame because I truly feel I can be myself around them. This isn’t to say that I’m not myself around others, I am, but I get the sensation that I’m not connecting, almost like speaking a different language; I say something and I get blank stares.

And no, I don’t think England is a better country than the U.S., in fact, I think we have it better here. That being said, it just doesn’t feel like home. I’ve been taking a short account of my mannerisms and the things I say and do, how I respond to situations – even the way I hold my knife and fork – are English in nature. I do withhold my emotions, I’m overly apologetic and I feel a strong sense of privacy when asked personal questions. Sure, these are small things, but where did I learn them? I’ve had these idiosyncrasies since I was a child.

In the same sense, I feel as if I’m not doing what I should. My true passions are photography and writing, but at the moment, my camera lies dormant and while I continue to write as a vocation, I’d rather be writing for myself, not as an editor embellishing the words of others. I’m a decent ghostwriter, but it’s not what I do best. I’m a good sports photographer, but I’d rather have a different subject in front of my camera. Who I am now is not what I am meant to be.

I have my own theories of where they came from, but it’s too long to go into detail here. All I can say is that I am trying my hardest to return to the Light.

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